I had a bit of a fright this afternoon.

I stopped work after 4 and had picked up Jack from childcare. I had just given him an afternoon snack when I went into my study and notice multiple emails from my work – then my work – and then private mobile phones rang. There was an urgent client issue that they wanted my input into.

Initially Jack came running – demanding to speak on the phone, but I managed to get him to go back to eating his snack of cheese and chicken while I went back to my study to concentrate on the call.

A minute later Jack came in with a big beaming smile and a large chunk of cheese in hand, telling me how “I got it all by self with Jack’s knife”. Phone to one ear I quickly walked into the kitchen to find Jack had opened the cutlery draw, pulled out one of his “toddler knives”, and then cut off a chunk of his cheese with it.

I was horrified – since there were much sharper knives in the cupboard that he might have reached for instead.

Back in my study trying to finish up the phone call Jack decided he really wanted to speak with whomever I was, and stood complaining incessantly “I want to talk on the phone” louder and louder. (Thankfully the person I was speaking too also has a three year old at home.) Finally when I hung up Jack threw a tantrum.

It was a lesson and a reminder for me – not to answer work calls (or any mobile number that isn’t family) while I am taking care of Jack by myself.

Posted by Doug at 9:16 PM

I’ve been unwell for the last fortnight, missed several days of work, and earlier this week lost my voice for a couple days. I’ve needed some downtime to relax and get over it – but instead work has been ridiculously busy, and home life much the same.

Adding to my businesses is Al being on a training course all this week. As with last time – it is pretty tiring for her. The other night she was getting a bit grumpy at Jack for chatting for an hour and not dropping off to sleep. Jack told her 'No being grumpy Mum, just be happy I am here with you’, and ‘This is my happy face. Show me your happy face'. Al said it was sad that a 3 year old had to remind her of these things.

One of the people on her course has a daughter in her late teens who has depression and anorexia, and who had recently tried to commit suicide. That certainly puts your aches, pains, tiredness and grumpiness into perspective.

Posted by Doug at 10:10 PM

I forgot to mention – Jack moved up to the next class in Ready Steady Go. It is much larger – around a dozen kids, and they participate without parents being involved. We were not entirely sure how he would go with this, but he had been getting more independent coming up to the move. In the end he took it in his stride, and while he certainly looked worried at times, he did very well considering he is one of the youngest.

Interestingly there was a girl in the group who was a bully. She stole balls from some of the other boys, and was prone to pushing and pining them up against the netting of the indoor cricket field. At one point she sidled up to Jack – towering over him, and gave him a big shove with the ball in her hands. Jack stumbled back a step – and then with a big grin gave her a big shove back. This surprised the girl and she tried again - only to be met with an enthusiastic Jack pushing her back hard. She quickly moved off after an easier target, and Jack went back to what he was doing. I am sure he would have been in tears if he had realised she was actually trying to be nasty.

The instructors did a good job of ensuring they were near Jack to help whenever he needed it. They knew what he might have trouble with, and without making a fuss were right there to help at the right time. They also did a good job keeping the kids in control – aside maybe the maniacal bully girl, who already had the innocent “what me?” look down pat.

Posted by Doug at 10:28 PM

I just had to go upstairs and tell both Jack and Al off for throwing tantrums. “Both of you stop it, now what is the problem…”

Posted by Doug at 7:46 PM

No one in the household seems to be coping particularly well today. Everyone is throwing tantrums and snapping at each other. I was logged into work between 7:30am and 5pm, and barely managed to put the required 4 hours into my timesheet with all the interruptions.

Jack is in desperate need of an afternoon sleep – but that frankly it is no longer an option for us since he fights it so hard. Today we took a different approach – saying that Mum had to have a 30 minute nap, and that he could either join her or play quietly by himself.

He wasn’t happy.

In the end he probably managed 20 minutes of TV watching intermingled with whining to me. A highlight would have been the following conversation about Jack spending time by himself.

“But I don’t like to.”
“But I don’t like to.”
“But I don’t like to.”
“But I don’t like to.”
“We all have to do things we don’t want to do.”
“But I don’t like to.”
“But I don’t like to.”
“But I don’t like to.”
“But I don’t like to.”
“I don’t want to have to work today Jack, but I have to.”
“But I don’t like to.”
“But I don’t like to.”
“But I don’t like to.”
“But I don’t like to.”
“Well, you have no choice.”
“But I don’t like to.”
“But I don’t like to.”
“But I don’t like to.”
“But I don’t like to.”
“Tuff Jack. ”
“But I don’t like to.”
“But I don’t like to.”
“But I don’t like to.”
“But I don’t like to.”
“Stop your whining, I am getting sick of it.”

I remember my own parents saying similar things – what aggravation we must have put them through.

I am getting sick and tired of all these “bad parent” moments. I am disappointed in my own weaknesses and failures, and the fact I am not being as good a parent as what I want to be.

What makes it worse is that Jack - even when lost in his repetitive complaining and tears, listens and understands what is being said. He will bring statements up later that he has obviously thought about.

After Mum finished her 30 minute nap Jack told her "When I am older I won’t cry as much”.

Posted by Doug at 5:42 PM

Al caught up with an old friend visiting from interstate this morning. After dropping her off, Jack and I went into the city and spent a couple hours at the Aquarium. It is still far too overpriced – but Jack isn’t aware of that sort of detail yet.

We had a real good visit together. Jack had slept well last night, and was in a relaxed and intrigued mood. I kept finding myself crouched down at his level talking about what we were looking at. The Aquarium seemed a lot more interesting when answering the questions of a 3 year old.

Jack seemed most fascinated in Nemo (Clown fish), Cuttlefish, and the lift at the multi-story car park. He was initially scared by the some of the fish, particularly the bigger sharks. We stayed at each of those exhibits until he became more comfortable. The only exceptions were the jellyfish. Jack had no interest in getting anywhere near those. I don’t blame him.

Posted by Doug at 11:56 PM

Jack had an up and down day. He had meltdowns whenever things didn’t go exactly to plan, had a few hard periods just before food, and his afternoon tired period was worse than usual. He was sniffing a lot, and when we checked later in the day we found he was running a mild temperature – so that explained things.

Tonight he told his Mum it was time to go upstairs. None of the usual delay tactics, no complaining, he actually dragged her up there. After I went up to do the final bedtime story Al dawdled longer than usual when getting ready for bed. Jack called out “I’m ready for bed when you are Mum…” as a hint she should hurry along.

As I read the last story to him he leaned in against me. I asked if he wanted a hug, and he said “no, I hug you dad”. Then he got up on his knees, wrapped his arms around my neck and hugged tight. I imagine as he gets older he won’t hug like that, or say “I love you Dad” as easy and as comfortable as he does at this age. Something to savor now then.

Posted by Doug at 9:12 PM

Al’s been snoring a lot lately. She was telling me tonight that if she falls asleep before Jack that she has been woken up by him saying “stop making that noise mum”.

Posted by Doug at 10:45 PM

Al has always had a strong preference towards avoiding conflict - but this trait seems to be making her life as a parent more difficult.

Jack has really been testing and pushing his boundaries – especially when it comes to his raft of delay tactics. Every instruction to Jack is met with a diversion, negotiation or tantrum.

Al – whose time management usually comes under the category of “if everything goes perfectly we will be just on time”, is really being hit by Jack’s tactics. She tries to herd and cajole Jack in the direction she wants with the minimum of conflict – but starts to get more and more stressed as Jack makes her later and later. Finally she can snap and overreact, which sees Jack upset, and Al frazzled, annoyed and rushed.

The problem is that this is making it difficult for Jack to work out where his boundaries are. He doesn’t have the emotional maturity to pick up the warning signs for when he has pushed his mum too far. One minute his demands are met with a strained “Ok Jack…”, but he gets his way. The next time mum sounds a little abrupt, but he gets his way. The next time Mum is suddenly snapping at him and metaphorically dragging him out to the car ignoring all his pleas.

By trying to avoid an inevitable conflict, Al can just drag it out and leave herself in a worse position to manage and cope with it.

I on the other hand have the opposite problem. I dive straight into conflict, where persuasion and patience would have been the better way to go. It is even harder for Jack to work out the warning signs with his Dad, since he can find his very first delay tactic ignored as he is bundled up and forced off in a direction he was trying to avoid. Queue upset protest.

It would be nice to think given this conflicting up bringing that Jack will just come out at a happy medium point between his Mum and Dad. Yes, well, we can only hope.

Posted by Doug at 8:46 AM