Leading up to his Birthday Al told Jack that once he was a big boy of 3 he would not need his dummy at night. The day after his birthday the dummy wasn’t offered to him when he went to sleep, and he didn’t ask for it. It will likely be a much harder adjustment for Al than Jack. As with most young children, Jack fights hard against sleep. Al just had to pop the dummy in however and his eyes would roll back and he would be out like a light. She now no longer has that tool.

Posted by Doug at 4:12 PM

Both Childcare Centres report that Jack generally spends much of the day playing by himself, although there are a number of kids he occasionally spends time interacting with. It was suggested he was shy and wasn’t always comfortable interacting, but that things should improve “when he was ready”. We could see however how much he enjoyed interacting with (usually older) children, so we started to ask Jack when we picked him up who he played with that day.

Jack regularly would answer that he “played by self”. When we asked if there was anyone he wanted to play with, he would often say that they had said no. It seemed he would start the day off by asking another child if he could play with them – and when they said no (as I suspect most kids would likely do if asked at that age), he would then spend the rest of the day playing by himself. It breaks your heart being a parent.

We asked the room leader at his Monday / Tuesday centre if she would watch for this, and help him learn how to join in play with other kids. As is common when interacting with that particular person, it took a couple painfully awkward conversations to get what we wanted across. Pleasingly however it has already had some early signs of helping Jack. The careers have been reporting that with their encouragement, Jack has been spending more time playing with other kids – although there are some he seems to have aversions to play with.

I can’t help but feel this sort of thing might (hopefully) help him in future. Once he gets into a normal school environment, I am sure there won’t be teachers on hand to do the same sort of thing.

Posted by Doug at 4:46 PM

The past few weeks have been extra busy with birthday parties for the mother's group kids. We visited Liana's new house for the first time for a little house party. Jack enjoyed exploring their large backyard, and the upstairs and downstairs play areas. He particularly enjoyed seeing the fireplace and pretending to put it out. Jack had a lot of fun at Kiara's farm party. He held a guinea pig (first time he has held an animal I believe). In the lead up he kept talking about riding the pony (since Kiara had ridden the farm pony on their last visit together). On the day when we first asked him if he wanted to ride he said no, but later was brave enough to give it a go. He also enjoyed going on the train ride around the farm and feeding bread to the animals.

The biggest event for the month was of course Jack's 3rd birthday party. It was held at Gourmet Kids cooking venue, which was great for us as parents as everything was organised and we just had to turn up on the day. The kids put on aprons and made a 'happy face' biscuit each. While the biscuits were cooking they enjoyed party food, then finished upstairs for dancing and games. All the kids were really well behaved and appeared to enjoy it. Jack had a big beaming smile on his face while dancing with Damon upstairs, so that made it all worthwhile to me. The grandparents, Auntie Lis, Auntie Shell and cousins Seamus and Tara came back to our place afterwards. Jack enjoyed interacting with his cousins and opening all his presents. Once again he got a great range including a cash register, dress ups costumes, a medicine kit, cars, books, cricket set, kite, Bob the builder play dough machine and clothes.

Grandma C and Pop stayed for 3 nights over the birthday weekend, so were able to enjoy going out to dinner for Grandma C's birthday on the Friday night, and seeing him on his birthday morning. Grandma C also took the opportunity to have her first visit to his 'duck room'. They also came back and stayed this past weekend (after being on holidays during the week) so Jack has had a lot of time with his grandparents. We also had the usual school holiday visit to Geelong to catch up with my high school friends. For the first time Jack spent most of the visit interacting and playing with Jaime. He also enjoyed visiting the 'new park' behind Grandma Q's house. We again visited Auntie Bree playing in a pool competition, and finally on Sunday I enjoyed the opportunity to see Wicked (with Auntie Lis for her birthday), while Jack enjoyed playing ball games and flying his new kite with Dad.

Summary of Jack at 3 years (36 months):

. The early favourites from Jack's presents are playing 'shop' with the new cash register from Grandma Q. We went to the sales in past week to buy more toy food for him to add to the play. He is also enjoying playing with the new Bob the Builder play dough machine from Auntie Jade. He has also had fun with the new 'turning circle' and stations for his Thomas trains.

. After a few weeks of childcare reporting he was playing more with other kids, there was a couple of weeks where they reported Jack was playing alone. At night he was telling us 'the kids say no'. We weren't quite sure what he meant. Then Brayden came to visit us at home for the first time. Brayden was busily playing with cars when Jack asked him to play with his matching cards. Brayden said no, and continued to play cars. Jack then asked me to ask Brayden to play cards with him, and again Brayden said no. Jack stood with his head hung down and a very sad look on his face. So I suggested he take Brayden to the lounge room to show him his toys in there, and they both went off and played happily together. So I mentioned all this to his duck room room leader as I figured he was asking kids to play with him early in the day, and once one kid said no he then thought no-one wanted to play with him all day. She said she would ask other kids to ask him to play, and involve him in small group activities. They have since reported this is helping him, and he is once again playing with other kids, so that is great to see. He also seems happier about his day and telling us more about it.

. Jack is enjoying 'cleaning' the kitchen tables after meals - wiping the table and chairs down with a cloth, then drying it with the tea-towel. He is very serious and thorough in the task (takes after his dad!) This also helps me in keeping him occupied while I clear away the meal.

. Jack's drawing continues to improve and get more recogniseable & detailed. When he draws people he now includes legs and arms (rather than just drawing the face). On the face he includes the eyes, eyebrows, nose, mouth, ears and hair.

. Jack can now type Jack, mum, and dad without help. He is also making first efforts to write his name, our names, grandma, pa, pop, etc. He enjoyed making cards for his grandparent’s birthdays.

. A few weeks ago we put Jack's 'big boy underwear' on him at home. He would tell us as soon as he got wet, but didn't initiate going to the toilet (despite us asking frequently if he needed to go). He then seemed to lose interest and not want to wear the underwear again for a few weeks. We were most surprised to hear that yesterday at the duck room he requested to wear 'big boys underwear' (presumably seeing other kids wearing theirs). We hadn't sent any down with him as yet, but they had some spare ones which they put on him. He had a few accidents, but obviously showing interest in it. He further requested to wear them again today, so we packed several pairs with him (along with extra pairs of pants) to go to the duck room with him. So will see how it all continues to develop from here.

. We told Jack in the lead up to his 3rd birthday that when he turns 3, he was a big boy and there would be no more dummy. Surprisingly, he has handled this quite well so far. I let him have it for the car trip to/from Geelong a couple days later (for my own driving peace), but otherwise he has not had it at all in past week. Last night was the only time he has asked for it (where he whined and cried for it for about 5 minutes then accepted he wasn't getting it). Otherwise, he has taken longer to get to sleep at times, talking more and looking for more excuses to delay sleep (like asking repeatedly for water, to go to the bathroom for new water, music up and down, fan on and off, etc) and he is also fighting day sleeps more. Aside for that, the overall transition has been smoother than expected.

Posted by Al at 6:47 PM

The last week has been pretty hard. I don’t know what I expected, but I think subconsciously I was hoping that with all his teeth having cut, and with turning 3, that there might be a behaviour change for the better. Let’s face it – the moods and behaviour seemed to change suddenly for the worst at 1!

Instead the first week into Jack’s 4th year of life has been tantrum filled and really, really demanding. Jack’s play has suddenly got very (very) specific. (That’s an extra “very” over what he usually was.) He has quite complicated and exact requirements of you during play – where you are meant to sit, what you are meant to play with, how you are meant to play, and often what exactly you are meant to say.

I remember hearing or reading that such behaviour is very normal at this age, and can also be a sign of a child just trying to get some comfort and control in his home life, after all the stresses outside of it.

I guess I can understand that –but I find it extraordinarily difficult to interact with Jack in that way. “You pick up the yellow one – NOOOoooo, not the Dump Truck, the yellow race car. NOoooo, you wait for me. I go first. NOOOoooo stop for the red light. NOoooo, you stand there, I go first. Noooooo…”

I humor him at times, but more often than not I won’t follow his directions when he gets bossy. I can sometimes distract him, or move him onto a game less demanding, but just as often it seems to end up with Jack throwing a tantrum while demanding his mummy.

I feel like I am being childish – and I certainly don’t like knowing I have made Jack cry almost inconsolably because I didn’t do exactly what I was told.

Al has been getting it worse. Jack has thrown tantrums any time she wasn’t giving him her close and undivided attention. She has found it more difficult to cook as Jack demands she sits next to him all the time. She speaks with me direct, Jack throws a tantrum. She moves away from the table to stack some dishes, and Jack gets antsy and demands she sits and watches him eat.

We have had a very busy couple weeks – Jack obviously needs some quiet down time.

Posted by Doug at 11:10 PM

We have two phone lines into the house – one is our main home number (and has the house alarm attached), and the other is used for any work dialup requirements (and has the ADSL connection attached).

Strangely and suspiciously yesterday the main line lost dial tone, but the work line was still ok. I called in on the automated fault reporting number – and was told there was a known issue, and that it should be fixed by 7pm today.

While going to pick up Jack later in the day I went past three Telstra vans parked outside the exchange we use. Three vans suggests a lot of work is going on (or at least a lot of standing around watching someone do work.) It seems rather odd that only one line was affected – when both were commissioned at exactly the same time. I will be intrigued to see if this is indeed a repair – or if suddenly additional services (like ADSL2) are made available (suggesting a planned outage not reported to us).

Posted by Doug at 7:50 AM

Just a quick follow up on that last post. Our main phone number is on a do not call registry, and aside from being bombarded by charities, we usually only get one or two Spam phone calls a week. Our second phone number never has a phone attached, and is never left as a contact number. Yesterday I attached a phone so Al could call it. From lunch to 7pm I had received 6 unsolicited phone calls about mobile phone deals, telephone services, offers of free mortgage reviews or surveys, and a request to sell raffle tickets for a charity. That is absolutely ridiculous.

Posted by Doug at 8:41 AM

The main phone line is working again. Before I unplugged the handset from the work line this morning I got one more phone call – this one from a time share resort. It amuses me to think of the number of times that line must get called without being answered – but it also worries me at just how wrong such a bombardment of unsolicited phone calls is.

For the last two days Jack has suddenly started asking the “why” question. Unless I am mistaken however, he does so with a half hidden smirk on his face. I suspect he has witnessed someone doing it deliberately at Childcare, and has picked it up.

Posted by Doug at 10:03 PM

Jack continues to be hard work.

I’ve been having a hell of a lot of problems with headaches and sinus pain the last couple months – far more than I normally do. Jack seems to be having the same sorts of problems, although he cannot yet quite verbalise it properly. We notice his eyes cloud over as mine do when I have a headache, and he rubs his eyes and complains about sore eyebrows.

It might relate to being inside a heated house so much or getting lots of colds - it just seems such a difficult thing to take him to a doctor for though. “He seems to have lots of headaches – but isn’t quite old enough to explain them clearly enough…” It might relate to tiredness, since he generally (but not always) improves after resting. We still give him a mid day nap on rare days – and sometimes he surprises us by sleeping for 4 hours! It might relate to foods and blood sugar levels, as we still find his whole behaviour can change for the better or worse immediately after eating. It is probably a mix of all – but we just don’t know for sure.

Anyway, as a result Jack is a lot more prone to tantrums. I’ve realised the only reason we seem to have relative peace at home is because Al tends to follow Jack around doing exactly what he says. The moment he doesn’t get his way he throws a major tantrum.

When I get sick of pandering to Jack (which doesn’t take long) – Jack usually throws a tantrum and demands his mum. Al usually gives me a death glare for breaking the peace in the house.

When Al gets sick of doing what she is told (which can take several days), the house descends into a mess of screaming and crying and raised voices. (Not all of it just from Jack.)

Sometimes (and sadly in many ways) this seems to throw Jack out, and he will then be a delightful kid for a day or two before reverting to his usual behaviour. It is as if he realises he has over stepped his bounds, and works to get back in our good books. It also suggests he is probably shaken up and left feeling less comfortable around his parents for a little while. That is a horrible feeling.

Al takes Jack out of the house all of the time – both to his normal activities, and all the extra catch ups she organises. We can suggest it is for all the opportunities it gives Jack – but to be frank Jack tends to be much better behaved in public. He “holds” in his tantrums in more, is more reserved, and generally much easier to care for. The problem is the stress and tension builds up in him, so that when he gets home he lets it all out in a rush.

I am not exactly sure what to do about it. I know we have dug our own grave in many ways by pandering to Jack’s whims so much and for so long. I wonder at just how much his complete unwillingness to play on his own at home relate to the way we have brought him up. I am just not sure how we can start to change some of these behaviours in a way that won’t just leave us listening to months / years of constant tantrums.

We are going to have to do something though – both as Jack is just getting more and more ridiculously demanding, and because it isn’t the sort of thing we should only start addressing when we have reached the end of our patience.

Posted by Doug at 12:59 PM

Al and I had a fight in front of Jack this morning, which is something we have rarely done.

It was about something relatively minor – as it always is. Al had left fat in an expensive nonstick frying pan over night. I pointed it out this morning – Al got instantly angry at me for mentioning it, I got angry at Al for getting angry instead of just trying not to do it in future. Al got angrier and complained about how I kept complaining about these things, and I got angrier and complained how Al always complained about me complaining instead of trying to address what I was complaining about.

As you can see – lots of complaining.

While we do not fight often – that is probably the most common thing that annoys us about each other. I point out faults that annoy me, which is a fault that really annoys Al. The fact it turned into a short fight this morning was not a sign of a deep seated fissure in our relationship – but the fact both of us are over tired and in need of a break at the moment.

As is usual when Al and I fight it escalates very quickly and our voices got loud and nasty. We were too wrapped up in our own annoyances at each other to stop ourselves – even though Jack was standing there with us obviously getting more and more upset at the scene.

It annoyed me – and I assume annoyed Al – that we did that in front of Jack. I have mentioned many times before in the blog about how parents are seemingly meant to be perfect in all situations and at all times – which is just not possible for the majority of us. Still – you don’t like it when you realise you been a particularly poor parent.

I wonder what Jack thinks. We don’t really give him a good example on how adults should debate / discuss issues that annoy them! I wonder what he will think when – as we hope, he will read this blog when he is in his 20’s or 30’s. I hope it will give an insight into who his parents are, their strengths and weaknesses, how we tried to raise him, what sort of childhood he had, and maybe even allow him to reflect on how he raises children of his own compared to how he was raised.

Considering the horrors so many children must witness and live with on a daily basis, this shouldn’t leave a lasting scar on Jack. I’ve already forgotten about it, Jack seems back to normal, and Al – well, she will probably stew over it for a few days more!

There was another article on a current affairs program last night about colouring and preservatives that trigger bad behaviour in young children. Al and I have noticed several more specific examples where Jack’s behaviour has changed (for the worse) after eating, and sure enough we found color 110 was within something he had just eaten. It stands to reason there might be preservatives that trigger similar behaviours in him. I might have to look for a list of known or suspect additives and see if we can keep working on excluding them from Jack’s diet.

Maybe Al and I need to exclude them from our diet’s as well!

Posted by Doug at 9:21 AM

Jack has had a few good days – but then had a major meltdown tonight. We threatened – and then had to go through with putting him straight to bed instead of the usually nightly play / quiet down period. He was distraught, kicking and screaming and doing his best to make it as hard as possible for us to change his nappy or get him into his pajamas.

When he started kicking us and throwing himself about I lost it. I yelled at him in the harshest of tones. I had my face up close to his, screwed up in anger. “YOU DO NOT HIT MUM OR DAD - EVER.”

I seem to be doing that more often. I am tired and worn down, and I’m just not coping as well as I would normally do.

Jack certainly didn’t deserve that. Not only did it not help the situation – it is the sort of thing that would harm our relationship. Who wants a Dad who can suddenly turn into a screaming banshee?

My Dad always had a temper – and it was a small part of what I remember about growing up. I have the same sort of quick temper – but I did not want it being a part of what Jack remembers about me.

Letting Jack down like that really makes me unhappy.

Posted by Doug at 10:13 PM

It seems to have been a particularly rough couple months. The house is a bit of a mess, Al and I are looking tired and frayed around the edges, and Jack is more often out of sorts than in. I probably focus a little too much on that in my blog entries.

A couple more positive thoughts for a change…

On Sunday night Jack slept right through to morning in his own bed, and then went off to Childcare without getting upset.

On Monday night I was up late watching TV, and didn’t climb into bed until 12:20. Al then woke up and started chatting animatedly until I told her to be quiet at 12:40. At 12:45 Jack walked into the room (giving Al a fright) with his Bob the builder doll and said he wanted to sleep in our bed. He settled down between us and was asleep within seconds.

During the night Jack moved over and started sharing my pillow. This meant I wasn’t able to sleep – but I did enjoy watching his peaceful face, and listening to his quiet snoring right next to my head. (In the end I had to ask Al to move Jack back into the middle of the bed, a feat she accomplished without really waking up.)

Posted by Doug at 11:10 PM