The death toll from Saturday’s fires continues to climb, currently sitting at 181 and expected to go higher.

I cannot recall a disaster in the past ever hitting me more emotionally as this one has.

I’ve wondered at my own reaction. Have I been impacted because it was so close to home? Because we drive through those areas, have holidayed there, have gone on day trips? Is it because I had dismissed the media and authorities talking up the dangers of the day, only to find out they were right? Is it because for years Al has been showing me houses for sale in those areas?

It was all of the above – but also the nature of the loss. The family unit is the most important thing to me, followed by the home, which is such a vital sanctuary. During these fires people – no matter how prepared they were, lost both. As a friend said – it was just insane.

You listen to the stories, and you can feel so, so much empathy for what these people have gone through - and baulk at the unspeakable terror so many faced in death. Many that died would have known they were about to - and in one of the most horrible ways.

And in amongst all the death you have the families that died together - Parents with their children. Imagine that – being helpless to protect your home, your partner, your children, or yourself. That pain must burn hotter than any fire.

Posted by Doug at 9:37 PM

Yesterday Jack told Al he had a poo coming and then did it in the potty. It was a rare glimmer of hope on this very difficult process of trying to toilet train Jack.

Today Jack was wearing underpants – and wee’d on the couch, on his bedroom floor, on Al, and on the family room floor. He made absolutely no effort to use the potty or to tell us he needed to go to the toilet. A number of times as we washed, scrubbed and cleaned up after him he stood by with a smug grin on his face. Al asked Jack if he had known he had a wee coming – and he said yes. She then asked why he hadn’t told us that he needed to go to the potty, and his answer sums up the difficulty we face - “because I’m not going too”.

Al is getting quite good at timing when to put Jack on the potty - so he is certainly getting used to being on it and using it properly. All the effort so far however has resulted in very little progress.

Posted by Doug at 5:19 PM

We have had an up and down week. We all seem to have been extra tired and grumpy, and Jack’s ramped up whining and complaining has met with less patience than usual. I believe the underlying issue is our allergies flaring up due to the smoke and dust in the air over the last fortnight.

Various thoughts since the last entry...

Al finished up work, which has resulted in a somewhat improved disposition during the day. She generally hits a brick wall late in the afternoon though, and finds the evenings a bit of a struggle.

Like the first, Al hasn’t really complained about the pregnancy. She does however seem to be suffering a lot more from discomfort, aches and pains this time. She is having a lot more trouble moving around, and tires quicker and easier than she did last time.

One of the clear warning signs Al was about to go into labour with Jack was a very bad case of PMS like moods. I had been expecting to watch for the same warning signs this time round – but unfortunately those types of moods have been too common. I’ve read before that a woman tends to be more moody if carrying a girl than a boy, which kind of makes sense. I wonder if that is part of the reason.

We purchased the second booster seat for Jack, and put it in Al’s car. After a good clean I reversed his old seat and set it up for the baby. I did that while Jack was in childcare – and when we picked him up Al said that there was a surprise in the car. Jack scrambled in quickly and stopped dead in his tracks. He saw the baby seat and I believe he had thought the baby had arrived. He looked absolutely horrified. When I told him the baby wasn’t there, and it was just the seat ready for the baby he had such a relieved look on his face.

We have packed the bags, and Al is no longer driving the car. There is a bit of cleaning up that needs to be done in the Nursery, and a couple items on the shopping list, but nothing that must be done before the baby is born. Basically we are ready and waiting.

Al has noticed the pre-birth preparations in her body, but when comparing them to when she had Jack, feels this baby will more likely come a week or so after the due date.

Posted by Doug at 3:37 PM

I was relieved to finish up work early last week and start my maternity leave. After a quiet month at work in January I then had a hectic final couple weeks with a project go-live the weekend before I finished. Users also finally started testing projects I had been asking them to look at for months which of course found new issues that put pressure on me to resolve before finishing up. It is great to not have to think about work anymore while on maternity leave, and be able to fully focus on the family and pregnancy.

It is so nice to enjoy this brief interlude before the baby arrives, and have some down time to relax while Jack is at childcare. Unfortunately I am struggling a bit with the end of the pregnancy. I am finding it hard to get comfortable with sleeping, so that is still leaving me tired. The baby seems to be lying more on my left side, leaving my hip sore (particularly after lying down), and now my left foot is also sore, so I am limping around for the past few days.

As Doug has commented in his posts, I find I have been more emotional and moody through this pregnancy, possibly carrying extra female hormones from the baby so it feels like I am going through PMS constantly. I feel sorry for Jack and Doug having to live with me at times! I am trying to give Jack extra attention while I can, but given I am finding it hard to move around much and a lot of Jack's play involves me having to get up and down constantly, he is at times getting frustrated with my limitations. He seems to be seeking Dad out to play with more often, as dad is more fun at the moment.

Jack continues to be up and down, and can have some lovely days and moments, then other times of constant whinges and over the top reactions, and I continue to have less patience for it. I am at a stage where I am not in a hurry for the baby to arrive to enjoy whatever relaxation time I have left, yet feeling ready for the baby whenever it does arrive. I look forward to meeting the new baby, and getting to know their developing personality. At the same time we continue to worry about how Jack will react and cope with the addition, and how we in turn will cope with his reactions and looking after a baby.

Jack took a little while to adjust to his new 'wombat' room at childcare, but his carers have told us he is starting to come out of his shell. He continues to love playing with Brayden (although worryingly often comes home reporting that Brayden has hit him of late). The carers have indicated that he is starting to stand up for himself more, which is good to hear. Through Brayden he befriending another outgoing little boy called Lachlan. Jack seems to be attracted by outgoing personalities in other kids, which in turn draws him more out of himself.

Jack has had an excellent return to swimming and ready, steady, go. I think having smaller groups for both (3 kids at ready, steady go, 5 at swimming) has really helped, as well as now being one of the older kids in these small groups. He is still finding his way at Gymbaroo. It is a group of about 15 and I was surprised to only find 1 kid continuing from his last year group, so all new kids for Jack to adapt to. He enjoys 'following the arrow's around an equipment obstacle course at the start of his class. He is only participating in some group activities, and wanting to sit back and watch other activities. It may take a little while to get his confidence up to participate more fully. He has big smiles on his face for a lot of his activities now, and never complains about going to them.

We have had a number of family and friends wanting to catch up with us since Christmas and 'before the baby arrives'. So we have had quite a number of visitors and play dates, which has also helped keep Jack entertained. At this late stage of the pregnancy Jack hasn't had as much opportunity to visit parks and play centres as usual.

Summary of Jack at 43.5 months:

. Jack's carers commented this week that Jack is starting to really participate in the 'dramatic play' at childcare. When asked, he demonstrates his 'angry' face and 'sad' face for example.

. Jack has been asking me to sing the 'days of the week' song he has learnt at childcare (which I unfortunately don't know). This morning he recited the days of the week in order for me - first time I have heard him do this.

. Jack's participation at ready, steady, go has given him good flexibility. He can easily have his knees out while sitting and put his head on his toes - something I don't know if I have ever been able to do! Hopefully by continued practise he holds on to this flexibility.

. Jack is really into his imaginative play at home. After we went to Peter Pan, he is enthused about playing Peter Pan and pirates at home. He also loves playing 'super heroes' (including Batman and Superman), and 'army men'.

. We put a bucket outside with some sand that we regularly add water to make 'sand mud' for him. He loves making mud pies, and transferring sand between the bucket and his sandpit and mixing the wet and dry sand together.

. Jack enthusiastically helps his dad water the garden each Sunday and Wednesday mornings.

. Jack is now floating quite well on his back, with only 1 floaty on each arm (rather than the floaty in hand also). He is learning to get himself back up from the floating position. He is enjoying doing 'duck dives' to retrieve items under the water.

. When his grandparents and Auntie Lis visit, he often tells me he doesn't want me to join in the play, and is enjoying one-on-one play and attention from these special visitors.

. Jack has had some renewed interest in 'making collages' at home (cutting, pasting and using sticky tape) now that he gets the opportunity to do this independently at childcare. We had to buy him sticky tape and help him practise using it, since he had only used glue sticks to date, and didn't know how to use the sticky tape when he started in the wombat room. He was also happy to get a pair of normal kids scissors (rather than the beginners scissors he had been using previously).

Posted by Al at 4:02 PM

The nursery is now all ready for the baby. It took more effort than I was expecting, and I spent a good chunk of the day on it. Next in line is the guest room – which will be an even bigger job.

Posted by Doug at 10:27 PM